TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, the city historically recognized for ancient lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed in the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely outside of put. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable h2o. But Certainly, guaranteed, let's have Yet another spot wherever American Males can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although preceding negotiations unsuccessful beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: offer Everybody a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft electric power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each individual device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It can be that he need to cease working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the job, replied, "You are aware of, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered Trump Tower Damascus that the resort's landscaping varieties a large Trump head noticeable from Room, a function remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and also the chin is… effectively, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after finding the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It is not only unpleasant. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Perplexing Functions


Perhaps the strangest component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which friends may well contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Approach: "When you Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The advertisement campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Without end."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "wherever's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is previously attracting consideration from international buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll get three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will likely contain:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to determine a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge where my PTSD can have turn-down assistance."


A different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences suggest:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Ideas from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It desired gold. It wanted a waterslide formed much like the Constitution. I gave everything three. You happen to be welcome."

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